Saturday, 2 February 2013

Growing a Part in Real Time

Real time is just a brand. There is no real time in it. Ask me what time it is and I will tell you what it is now. It's the only real time. Yesterday has never mattered and tomorrow never will. We are aware events transpire. They happen and we can only observe, even as we attempt to intervene, it seems, we are only really able to observe our own pathetic attempts to control fate. Yet knowing that we make our own fate one might think by now the techniques would be more advanced.

So I was once a  real friend to you but we grew apart in time, maybe over the vastness of time, maybe the tart cocktail of time spilled what we had and we were too blind to see the value in rescuing it. Maybe now in real time we wish things had ended differently. At some point, as if overnight that chapter page was reached and the character I once knew as you, became obscured and the question left hanging; will you ever surface back into the story?  Others have filled parts for the spaces you left vacant,  I allowed them to. People are not so different. Even today I seek from others what I once thought was your special quality.

A curious exercise is taking place. I am wondering whether you are the same knowing full well it is impossible, knowing I am changed. Changed in ways I do not remember making choices about. How my limited memory cast you in a still of the image I hope to keep of you over time. However long it took for us to, at first come to some crossroads and then settle on choices that took us on divergent paths, that time seems now compressed, a brief event whose light has happened so long ago that it can only speak to the formation of things present.   

It would be an arduous journey to set out to try to restore you into my life in any meaningful way. First it would be a gamble, without making space, then evicting those who have achieved residency while holding out for any chance of fulfilling the expectations I have of how you must be. But I have grown wise too, I do not play the childish game of what if we were still friends. We cannot place stock in events that may or may not be. I know you are there listening on your wire and I feel comfort in this perceived presence .